I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
