Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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