Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
