Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
