I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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