i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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