grandma shit on top of the toilet
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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