Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
