He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
