She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
