There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
