i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
