so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My vagina is officially offended.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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