We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
