Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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