We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
