I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
