im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
