that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
