the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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