i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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