My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
