Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
