I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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