Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
we should paint friendship bongs
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
