Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
