You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
