I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
