I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
