I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
two words: eviction party
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
