Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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