I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
