so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
