im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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