woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
