I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
