fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have aggressive nipples.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
