last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
