The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
