I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
