I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
