it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
