I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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