Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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