What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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