3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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