Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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