we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
