I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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