Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
