I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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