I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
